I started a post on facebook tonight that felt so much deeper than 420 characters could hold, and I find myself at my blog at 2:38 a.m., typing about things to raw foodists that I never thought I'd write about.
The whole thing started when I watched a video on my friend Jorge's page and reposted it. Watch it, so that the rest of my post makes sense. Open it in a new tab or just remember to hit "back", because I dunno how to set the dern thing to open in a new window.
Here's the YouTube link
I had an abortion in 2007. And I DID see the ultrasound first. Don't know why it feels important to state that, but it does. I saw her little heartbeat, and I heard it, too. Judge what you will about what I did, I know that any judgments you have are only a projection onto me of a part of yourself that you don't like, and I don't accept said judgments, so there. YOU have to keep them and process them.
Do I regret having had the abortion?
No.
Was I pregnant with a baby I wanted?
No.
Was I with a man I loved?
Yes.
And I love him still.
He's my life partner, and he held my hand while we both cried as she was leaving my body.
Every October I think of what it might be like to have a 1 year old, a 2 year old, and this year, a 3-year old little girl that looks like me and has his wild, curly hair, soft eyebrows and lovely hands & feet. Of course I think about that. But I don't regret having had the abortion when god knows what 2012 will bring, the economy is so bad I don't know what to think, my country is engaged in 2 wars and every year they tell us a new killer virus is going to take us all out. I'm not ready to bring someone into this world, and I don't know that I ever will be. I'd feel irresponsible toward her if I brought her into this mess.
She came to me in a dream before I aborted her and said, "Please don't feel bad about doing this. I only came into this existence to feel what it was like to be conceived in Love. I've never been conceived in anything but violence, and I just wanted to know what this felt like. I won't develop past 3-5 months gestation, so take me out now before this pregnancy gets harder. I can't survive this. But thank you so much for letting me have this experience with the 2 of you!"
I was already bleeding, in massive pain, couldn't eat and had passed something that looked like it could've been her twin. There was no saving the baby. But I didn't want to bring her into this world even if she'd been 100% healthy.
What about the women who aren't raped, who don't use abortion as birth control, who love their life mates, might even be married, use birth control and just don't want kids? What about those of us who know how very much we love our own time and selves and have something to give to the world? Why are women seen so much as just things that are designed to nurture only small people or mates? I want to nurture people by showing them the love of raw food and the freedom of polyamory. I want to raise adults into a more enlightened and free adulthood through nutrition and love. Isn't helping adults wake up just as admirable as raising a child?
I think it is.
So I got to thinking about the video listed above and then went browsing through my facebook posts. Had no particular reason for doing so, just did it. I found a picture of Markus Rothkranz, a favorite raw teacher of mine, and clicked on his picture without even knowing why I was doing it. His status said, "Even the tiniest thought is a seed that can change the world."
That really got me to thinking about the world I live in, the world I was promised, and the world I could've brought my unborn daughter into. And instead of thinking about all the things I was told I'd get (back in the 80's when I was growing up) and feeling disappointment at not having gotten a one of them, I found myself feeling wave after wave of gratitude washing over me for all that is in my life. Because even though I didn't and still don't want to give birth to a child of my own, and worked pretty damn hard to keep myself from EVER getting pregnant, I still live with and help raise an 8-year-old boy whose mother died when he was 4, just a few short weeks before his 5th birthday.
So I got a kid anyway. Got what I wanted very most not to have. But that kid loves me. Despite my orneriness, my stand-offishness and my resistance, he is my biggest cheerleader, helps me stay raw, makes up recipes, loves that I'm with his dad, is beyond patient with me, and can't really imagine life without me. He even asked me to move in with him and his dad after his mom died, and kept trying to set me up with his Pop. (Little did he know, we were already together.) And despite my trying not to be in his life, here I am. How the hell did THAT happen???
Most days, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, it's even enjoyable sometimes. Kid makes me laugh my ass off sometimes. Like the time when he was six, trying to read out loud about kids who lose their teeth and what different cultures believe and do when baby tooth loss occurs. Instead of saying, "In X country, the tooth is associated with good luck", he read it, "the tooth is ass-coated". I mean, you HAVE to laugh at that!
Another thing that has come up for me of late is that old loves are resurfacing and I have unprocessed things to work out in myself. Those of you who have known me for a long time (more than 15 years) or who are very close friends or family members will know that I still love a person who I haven't known since we were teenagers. You just don't forget your first love, even if it was unrequited and the situation just wasn't right for two people to be together.
I ran across a picture of him last night on-line that was taken when he was 15 or 16, and I almost jumped out of my skin, just I like I was 15 or 16 again! He looked as beautiful as I remembered, even with the grimace on his face. And I found the photo in the most unexpected of places: on a friend of a friend of a friend's facebook page!
This boy left his hand print on my heart.
And I miss him still. I wish we could be friends. I'd like to be able to email him from time-to-time, see what his children look like, know how he feels about life. But silly rules about monogamy keep me away. I don't want to "wreck his marriage" by existing.
Because I'm in a polyamorous relationship with my fiance, Jason, who encourages me to explore ALL emotion, I find myself revisiting this person in my mind. I'm afraid to say his name in a blog, even just by first name, for fear of making waves. Most people who have known me since high school think that this subject is irrelevant, immaterial, worn out or just plain stupid. Why cry over someone you're not "destined to be with"?
Why? I'll tell you why.
Because when someone does something indelible, something incredible, something wonderful to your heart and your life, you don't spend the rest of it trying to forget the impact they had. You take those wonderful memories to your grave. You love them forever, because that is what you're SUPPOSED to do! So he married someone else and had kids with her. Does that erase how kind he was to me when I was an awkward, insecure, silly teenage girl? Of course it doesn't. It augments it! Another person gets to have his loveliness, too! That, in and of itself, is a great thing. And with her, he's made 4 of the prettiest kids I've ever seen (well, pictures of). I didn't want kids. So if I'd gotten my wish in high school, and if it had gone somewhere, he'd be without his gorgeous offspring now. Instead, he's made reasonable facsimiles of himself, with his wife's immeasurable help, and his lovely genes will continue on. How great is THAT?!? I'm genuinely happy that the wonderfulness (if that's a word) has continued.
His actions toward me in a high school helped me to believe that I am beautiful, because at a time when all of his friends were incredibly mean, degrading and hateful toward me, he was kind, respectful and sweet, and he ALWAYS had me cracking up!
His very existence helped to make me beautiful. None of us, I believe, would look the way we do, if not for the kindness or love someone wonderful showed us at some point in our lives. And now he can teach his kids to be his kind of wonderful, and they can go spread that throughout their little corners of the world. That makes my heart soar, not sore!!
I could write a list a mile long of all the people who have wronged me, been cruel, defiant, mean, distrustful, spiteful, hateful and rude. I could do that. And I could bemoan my existence, complain about all that's been taken from me and all that I've lost out on.
But I'd rather make a list 10 miles long of people who have carved out little piece of my heart and taken it with them (with my consent) as a token of our time spent together on this planet. I miss and love this one person so much that sometimes it hurts. But Mother Teresa said, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." So instead of hurting, I just choose to love him more.
I didn't ever kiss this boy. I didn't even date him. I barely got to touch him, and even that was only to slug him for annoying me. HA! But never being with him, and our choosing mates other than each other doesn't detract from how much I loved him, how much I love him still, and how much I will carry a little piece of him in my heart until it stops beating. And it's ok that I love him. Loving him doesn't mean I love my fiance any less. This is the kind of feeling that you take with you into your next life so that your souls can meet up and play again on the next carnival ride.So I find that, more often than not, rather than being sad about an abortion, upset about having to raise a kid that isn't mine, or not getting the love I thought I should get as a teenager, I'm instead finding grace, beauty and gratitude everywhere I turn.
I have a Love who wants to marry me, who I really want to marry back, who lets me love everyone I want (and even some I don't want to), who never tries to talk me out of my emotion, who never belittles my past, and who says things like, "I need you to love him, because I know that you need to. I'm never gonna try to talk you out of that. I would be so honored to meet him one day. Loving him is part of what makes you who you are, so if you love him, then I love him, too."
I mean, come ON! Who TALKS like that???
My dearest Jason does.
He's not a football center, like the boy from high school, but he helps me find my center. And I truly have not settled. I am very glad that I have ended up with Jason. He IS my center, and he's shown me how to live a truly free and loving and compelling life! And he lets my heart go where it goes.
Tonight, I find myself reveling in all that IS my life, rather than all it isn't: I have Love of a child, of a mate, of a friend, all in one house. I have amazing memories. A dear friend in rehab recovers her life. I get to make food choices for my body and have the luxury of fertile ground to grow those choices in!
Seeds ... what Markus was talking about ... such beautiful things. Seeds of thought, seeds of nutrition, seeds of Love, seeds of true freedom of the heart, seeds of possibility. Damn, I am a LUCKY girl!
Life ain't near what I was promised growin' up in the 80s, or anything resembling what I wanted back then. And sometimes I miss some of what I wanted 26 years ago SO much! But then again, in different ways, things turned out so much better than I hoped anyway. So I will keep my fondest memories, forget and toss the ones that hurt, and remember that life is what I make of it.
To everyone reading this I say, "Never stop loving people." It's the fuel that feeds our souls. And don't ever try to talk anyone out of loving someone else. That only contributes to new, sad memories that people have to try to forget. Hold onto the memories of love, no matter how old, and don't make excuses or apologies for them.
Love, no matter how "inappropriate" it appears by society's standards, will never, ever, EVER be a bad or ugly thing.
๑۩๑ ❤ ๑۩๑ I LOVE YOU, SWEETEST BOY!!! ๑۩๑ ❤ ๑۩๑
